Christmas shopping in London? you must be crazy. Online shopping is more fun.

2013 072Central London is getting more and more crowded.  As I passed Green Park on the Jubilee line today the train driver announced: < ‘severe overcrowding’ at Piccadilly Circus: if that’s your destination don’t change for the Piccadilly line, get off here and walk, it’s only 5 minutes on foot>  he said.

Yeah right. These days you’d need to walk on people’s heads to achieve that!

London is getting seriously overcrowded. Hordes of people busy buying presents for Christmas, tourists jamming up the pavement in front of Hamleys, unpredictable pedestrians suddenly swinging or stopping dead in front of you to avoid the occasional pool of vomit on the pavement. Ah the joys of the festive season in a busy metropolis!

The other day I unintentionally fisted a guy on his privates. He crept up from behind me as he impatiently zigzagged his way through a maze of people in a busy shopping centre; I was just using the dry route to the tube station from the office, energetically swinging my arms back and forth, as you do when you walk; suddenly I felt something crashing against my hand.

There was this brief exchange of looks then he disappeared ahead into the sea of people, leaving me with an uncomfortable queasy feeling.

It’s chaos.

Buy online I say; save yourself the grief.

And if you were a little bit lost for inspiration here are some interesting suggestions for the coolest presents that you can find online. But don’t take my word for it, you must read the reviews.

UFO detector

Accurate and Faithful reads one review: This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.

Radioactive sample of Uranium Ore

I was looking for information and then I found out that you can buy it! This one has the best glowing reviews.

Canned Unicorn Meat

If you want to give something magic this year.

Fresh whole rabbit

For that special addition to the Christmas hamper. One of the reviews starts with: Brad and I were very excited to order a few of these delectable beauties in order to reenact the skinning and spitting-over-an-open-fire scene from Game of Thrones…

And finally if you cannot help giving away a book this Christmas, make it this one:

How to Avoid Huge Ships

With 600 customer reviews it is the best-seller of the year.

Amongst the best gifts you can share is genuine and tummy-aching laughter. 

Relax, sit back and be merry with your loved ones.

That’s truly all that counts and not just around Christmas!

2013 031

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